Hello All,
This letter has been sent to everyone in the every person that has a project signed to Sistinas. I intent for this to be a completely open letter, and to leave it open to discussion for anyone that wishes to reply to it. This is my way of showing you guys that I have nothing to hide, no secret agendas or any form of bad intentions.
As most of you know, I have been going through a heavy load of personal chaos since August 4th. I won't go into all of the details here, and I'm only letting you guys know these things, because I feel that it's only fair for you guys to know why I have been so hard to reach, and so unreliable for the past few months. I do not wish for this to be an overblown excuse for me, or a way for me to wash my hands off from all of the missed deadlines and missed calls either. Like I said before, I just feel that it's only fair for you guys to know what has been going on.
On August 4th my wife tried to commit suicide. I drove her to an emergency room around 1:00 am, and didn't get to see her until four hours later. She was transported to a psychiatric ward, and while we rode in the ambulance, she held on tight to my hand and begged me to not divorce her because of her actions. I had no intention of doing such thing, and made sure that she knew this too. Eventually she was released from the psych ward, and checked herself back into another ward a day after. While she was in there, she continuously asked me not to divorce her. She would tell me that she was lucky to have found me, and that she was completely happy to be married to me. During all this time, I tried to be as supportive as I could, even though the pressure of all of the chaos was really dragging me down. But I was happy that she was getting the help she needed, and that she was positive about our relationship.
While she was in the ward, she was diagnosed with Bipolar I. I have never had to deal with anything like that before, so I was completely ignorant about what that meant or how it was treated, but I made an effort to read up and find out more about it. Eventually she came home, and that is when things began to change. She wasn't herself, specially at night. She often kept me up because she was having sleep anxiety, and would only fall asleep in on our couch in the living room. Around this time, I was having a lot of issues with my eyes, so I spent a lot of these nights semi-blinded. The pressure of dealing with her and being half blind eventually broke me down. I had a mental breakdown myself and had to figure out on my own how to deal with it. I spoke to her about how "her illness" was affecting me, and that is when she decided to leave.
The next few weeks are a complete blur now, but it was a roller-coaster of emotions, fear, anxiety and lots of learning to deal with mental illness for me. I spent most of that time not knowing where she was, and having very minimal contact with her. By this time I decided to seek psychiatric help myself, and was lucky to find a very good doctor that helped me get through all of this. Eventually my wife called me, and confessed to have been staying with a friend she had met at the hospital, and also confessed to be having an affair with her. All of this came as a shock to me, and affected me emotionally and mentally. I was completely depressed for a while, but was able to get the help I needed.
It was also around this time that her whole attitude towards me changed. She decided that she wanted nothing to do with me. She called me a liar, and said that she felt like our marriage was built upon nothing but lies. I did nothing and just took the verbal abuse, only because I knew that it was her mania speaking. I felt that I due to her condition, she was acting the way she was. I never fought back because I didn't want to contribute to the chaos in her head, but all of these only damaged me even further.
Eventually I was able to gain control of my emotions again. I was able to analyze things with a somewhat cleared mind, but the shock to my system was still lingering. It was around this time that I was able to get back to work, I moved into my own place, and tried to get projects like Sistinas going again. I had to do this to occupy my mind with things other than her. It helped a bit, and I can honestly say that I am getting better. But due to all of the emotional damage, I have found it really hard to concentrate on things. My moods change continuously, and just like I can feel extremely confident one day about getting my projects running, another day I feel like nothing is worth the effort, so I drop the ball., and mess things up. Just ask Rev John how long it took me to get the Halloween flyer done.
So what does all of this mean to you guys?
Well, obviously, I'm still going through a lot of stuff right now. I'm in the process of getting divorced, and I'm still somewhat unstable. My mind still wonders, and I find it very hard to concentrate, specially when I'm at home. This is why I haven't updated the Sistinas site, why I haven't logged into the Sistinas MySpace account, etc.
I do, however, want to continue doing this music thing. I just feel that my mind isn't quite there yet. So this is my plan for now, and anyone that wishes to hang in here with me will be gratefully thanked, but I also won't hold it against any of you if you decide to run for the hills, and find another place where you can make your music happen.
1. To release To Mega Therion and Alter Der Ruine's already delayed CDs in the next few weeks. I know I have been trying to do this for the past month, and I have failed time after time, but both releases are finished and I'm trying my hardest to make sure they get released as soon as possible. I know that I had told you guys that I would get these out by halloween, but as of now, this date is uncertain. I will do my best to provide a real release date VERY soon.
2. I need to close the store for now. I have way too many orders in the que, and I need to organize all of them to see what can be taken care of right away. I also need to email everyone that has placed an order to let them know that their orders will be handled as soon as possible.
3. I will be taking a break from releasing music until next year. This will put on hold some of the already planned releases, like the Shaolin Signal album, the Broken Fabiola album and the new Phantom West single. Again, I can totally understand if you guys want to take your projects some where else to be released. I will not hold it against you, but if you decide to stick with me, then I will do everything in my power to help promote your music early next year.
I know it's hard to believe that I will get anything done, specially with how unreliable I have been for the past three months. I can totally understand if people lose faith in my abilities, but all I can assure you of right now, is that I still have faith in all of your music. That I still want to be part of your success, and that I want to do everything in my power to help promote your music.
Things are getting better for me with each day. I've been able to get back to some of my projects, and I have been able to function at my day job, but I won't lie and say that I'm completely well. Like I said before, I still find it really hard to concentrate when I'm at home, and that is when I used to handle most of the label work. I'm looking into getting a little help from some friends. At least to get stuff like the store orders figured out.
Anyway, I feel like this letter has gotten kind of long, but I hope that it helps you all understand that I have not been ignoring anyone, and that I still want to work with all of you if you allow me to do so. Feel free to reply with any questions.
German R.